Have you noticed how some people don’t understand the simple idea of Trick or Treating on Halloween?
It’s not rocket science.
Kids, dressed in their spooky little costumes knock on your door, say “Trick or Treat,” and you give them candy. Pretty simple, wouldn’t you agree?’
Then, why in the name of everything Halloweenie, do some people have a hard time with the concept and hand out religious pamphlets, canned meat products and hand-drawn sudoku puzzles when the little ones come a calling?
Swallow your ego for one night and when the
snot nosed little bastards sweet children knock on your front door, suck it up and drop a candy nugget in their bags. If your moral stance on holiday candy bothers you that much, turn off your porch light so the kids avoid your place along with the child molesters on the block.
The last thing you want to hear from a three-year old Princess with a church recruiting pamphlet in hand is, “Mommy, was that lady a witch?” Mommy takes her little one by the hand, and says, “No, but it rhymes with witch, dearie.”
Conspiracy theory activists argue that Halloween is an underground ploy by the medical industry and candy makers to create new swarms of pre-diabetic children. A pancreatic impaired, inulin dependent, circle of life.
As an empty-nester, I take Halloween as a learning moment for parents. When trick or treaters knock on my door, I give them handfuls of mini chocolate bars. Sugar ’em up, wind their little costumed springs and turn ’em loose. It provides the parent escorts an opportunity to practice herding skills with feral children parenting skills in a real life environment.
To avoid an all out Halloween frenzy, there are a few simple rules, 12 steps, if you will, to enhance your holiday experience:
1. We admit that we are powerless over our children and that Halloween has become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that one evening of trick or treating could restore us to sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn over our children to tick or treating, based upon assurances that this is the only thing that will make them stop whining.
4. Make a list of houses with full size candy bars.
5. Admitted to our children that we will “sample” the candy they collect.
6. We are entirely ready to have the children forget to say “thank you.”
7. Humbly ask the children to share the good stuff with me.
8. Make a list of all the houses who handed out religious pamphlets and homemade sudoko puzzles.
9. Make amends to those who happily handed out treats by not dropping candy wrappers in their driveway.
10. Continue to take a personal inventory of your children by actually watching them (leashes optional).
11. Sought through prayer, mediation and bribery, that full size Snickers bar in the bottom of your kid’s bag.
12. Having had a spiritual and sugar fueled awakening as a result of these Steps, we carry this message to all parents, and practice these principles in our daily affairs.
What about you? What tips have you learned to keep from being “That House?”
I’ll leave you with a little something special: A Primus cover of a Willy Wonka tune: