A Holiday Infection Advisory:
What is it about this time of year that drains the life force right out of your soul? I’m talking that empty bone marrow feeling that hits every Black Friday and won’t stop leeching at your jugular until the week after New Years Day.
Little known scientific research has recently discovered that there is a virus, H31-T-C25 (Halloween To Christmas) spread by human-to-human contact. The symptoms of this viral scourge make ebola sound like a pleasant afternoon in a day spa. This pathogen makes people who are typically sane (self reported) make poor decisions, exhibit uncharacteristic behavior and uncover latent violent tendencies.
Controlled clinical observation has gathered the following top ten examples of H31-T-C25:
- A suburban soccer mom pitches a tent on the sidewalk in front of Toys-R-Us three days in advance of a sale on the latest Tickle Me Elmo. She will directly advise newcomers of her place in the line with flowery colloquial terms, including, “I will cut you!” and “Bitch, please.”
- When retail establishments bait infected shoppers with one item at a discounted price – there will be blood. Mass hysteria is a common trait among H31-T-C25 carriers. If one shopper grabs a bargain sweater, she must defeat all challengers in a spectacle that looks reminiscent of a blood cage match from a dark, unwritten Hunger Games sequel.
- Infected households will exhibit electrical displays that can only be compared to the festive plumage of a rare bird species, or a red baboon’s butt, designed to attract other infected persons. Studies show these individuals complain about the high electric rates all year long, yet under the influence of H31-T-C25, all common sense boils away in the seasonal fever and energy sucking displays arise and multiply.
- The tendency to lie increases as the infection takes hold. When your wife says, “You don’t need to get me anything.” That is a lie. Let me say that again – LIE! Ignore this at your own peril. Research shows that the more this falsehood is repeated, the better the gift anticipated.
- Minor infections are the cause of bad driving, cutting off one another in traffic, to get that parking spot ten feet closer to the mall entrance.
- Holiday office parties are a common source of infection. The infected are noted to be prone to photocopying their ass, attaching spring of mistletoe to the bossman’s ass, or generally becoming an ass. The intensity of the infection grows when annual Christmas bonuses are paid in the form of fruitcake.
- Hearing loss is a frequent symptom of H31-T-C25 infection. Obnoxious music begins to hit the airwaves (Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer, The Little Drummer Boy and a sad chronicle of a promiscuous home-wrecking tart in I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus). Hearing imparted infected shoppers require a incessant ringing bell to identify the store entrance.
- The infection contributes to global warming, requiring vast deforestation of conifer forests. The tree sacrifices are strung up indoors and made to wear glitter, lights and shiny baubles as its life drips away in a sap stain.
- In the heat of the infection, parents will undertake complex mechanical tasks. These operations will commence after the children have gone to bed and after consumption of several holiday libations. Putting a bike together in the dark wasn’t hard enough, with the false bravado caused by H31-T-C25, the child will wake to find a set of handlebars wrapped with an oily chain. Some assembly required – still.
- The infection spawned The Elf on The Shelf. The damn thing sits there and watches, judging and will rat you out to Santa at the first opportunity.
This infection is widespread and while it seems like it would be a fatal disease, it runs its course and the infection dies down, usually when the first credit card statements roll in. The infected often don’t remember the purchases made under the influence of H31-T-C25.
When you face the hordes of the infected this season, try to avoid contact because the virus is highly contagious. The Walking Christmas Dead are out there – use caution and Seasons Greetings.