It’s that time again. The end of the four year long build up to the Olympic Games has been…well a bit underwhelming for me. The 2016 Rio Games are just fine as the games go and the host city did a great job in light of everything they’ve faced, including an impeached president, economic ruin, crumbling infrastructure and pesky disease ridden mosquitos. The Games just lack that certain spark. Nothing can ever compare to the Chinese opening ceremonies. By comparison:

The Rio Opening Ceremonies got off to a rough start

Maybe it’s the television coverage and the “packaging” the network insists on feeding us. You know what I mean…the up close and personal spotlight on a particular athlete. I swear I’m gonna pop if I see one more feature on an olympic competitor who grew up in the projects, raised by wolves, overcame a heroin addiction, who broke both legs months before the olympic trials and beat all the odds to compete in Rio.

Really? The way these stories roll out, one would think that a requirement of making an olympic squad was a month long stretch sleeping under a freeway underpass and a frequent flier pass at a methadone clinic.

A Performance Enhancing Substance?

It might just be me, but these stories diminish the hard work all of the athletes, these poster children included, did to get here. Performance enhancing drugs aside…

BUT, the games have become a huge snooze fest. Swim, dive, flip, run–yawn. Coupled with the vague irregularity of any sport judged for “artistic merit” leaves me wanting more.

McKayla Maroney’s face says it all…

The Games have lost the spark when the events have become so humdrum. After reflection, and after switching the channel to an episode of Drunk History, there are a few new events that would make the next olympic games a bit more interesting to watch.

5 Olympic Sports We’d Like To See:

Swimming With Sharks – Current swimming events are a fricken bore. Up and back and I get a medal. Throw in a couple of hungry Great Whites and you might have something. I think you’d see some new olympic records broken in the 200m Shark Freestyle.

Everyone in the pool!

Human Lawn Darts – Strap that velcro chinstrap tight and launch off a trampoline with your dart headgear onto a target in the middle of a family picnic. Event sponsored by health insurance providers everywhere.

Running With The Cheetahs –  A track and field cage match! A 400m sprint to outrun nature’s fastest land creature. Competitors tie a raw lamb shank to their waist and off they go. If you make it to the medal podium in this event, you have really accomplished something.

Pole Valting Over Piranha  – No more of that sissified foam pit. Make the vault worth something. A pool of hungry piranha on the field would make sure every vault went off with maximum effort. There would be no half hearted attempts in this event.

This Game – I could see a multi-national competition of hand eye coordination in this game. Double espresso shots are required between each round.

I look forward to watching these events four years from now on ESPN 8 – the Ocho. Without Bob Costas.

image from Dodgeball