There is no such thing as paranoia. Your worst fears can come true at any moment.

Hunter S. Thompson

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory?  Conspiracies have existed since the dawn of time, probably back to the day our hunter-gatherer forefathers led tribal rivals into the tar pits. What is it about a juicy conspiracy that is just so irresistible? Our insatiable need to have an answer?  Is it a belief that the worst will inevitably happen? Or is it the product of our overactive imagination? *Cue Twilight Zone music*

The seeds of conspiracies sprout when events defy explanation. Roswell, Area 51, assassinations, shadow governments, Freemasons, the Illuminati, and the first man on the moon, all subjects of intense speculation.  Improbable events, unexplainable happenings. When an event smacks of mystery, or secrecy, it must be a conspiracy.  And paranoia.  Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t really out to get you.

image via flickr creative commons by sictransitdiesoccident

If it isn’t a conspiracy, then how can you explain these complex, unusual events? Coincidence doesn’t exist. Fate? Dumb Luck? A predetermined genetic evolutionary path? Or, is it a plague of madness?

So, to help you identify the conspiracy theory from simple madness, here are my top five clues to tell you if your are onto a real conspiracy:

5. If you’re dealing with two or more politicians, it’s probably a conspiracy. Politicians are the only known species that, when combined in large flocks, lose focus and collective intelligence. Members of the flock spend their time preening and displaying their colorful plumage every four years.

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4. If you’re worried about the NSA reading your e-mail, you may have stumbled into a conspiracy–and it is YOU. What is it about in your e-mail that has you worked up to a rabid froth over Big Brother looking over your shoulder? I’m boring. My e-mails and browser history would make an NSA Analyst suffer from catatonic narcolepsy and I write fiction. If black helicopters haven’t swooped down from the sky and “erased” me, then it ain’t gonna happen. If you’re surfing the net for kiddie porn, I want someone watching you.

The New Angry Bird

3. If you’re taking multiple prescription drugs for a health condition you can’t explain, you could possibly be caught in a web of conspiracy known as Big Pharma. Pills to wake you up, pills to make you sleep, pills to make you hold hands with your significant other in a bathtub and pills that make other pills work better. We willingly down substances that warn of side effects like anal leakage and painful erections lasting more than four hours. Why, in the name of everything holy, would we do that? We’re not sheep or lemmings! Or are we? Mind control, perhaps. Soylent Green is made of people! Did I take the red pill or the blue pill?

2. If you need ever increasing amounts of coffee to stay awake, you have found one of the world’s great conspiracies. My blood type is Sumatra-positive. I’m experiencing something heroin addicts complain about. I need more to get through the day. Like the junkie, I believe that my coffee is being “stepped on” and diluted so it doesn’t carry the same pop as it used to. Juan Valdez and that smug burro are stringing us along with weaker blends, increasing our craving for the “good stuff.” I’ve caught myself huffing from bags of freshly roasted coffee beans. I’m not proud, but a guy’s gotta get his fix.

1. If you spend hours tied to your computer, cellphone, smartphone, or tablet, you have discovered the magnetic power of the internet conspiracy. When Al Gore invented the internet, was it a government plan to distract all of us with shiny baubles called Facebook and Twitter? Pintrest? Think about that one. Cut and paste pretty pictures from one place to another. You can literally hear the time suck from your soul. Does Skynet sound familiar? The computers are protecting us from us by isolating us from each other. The fact that you’re reading this now on a connected device proves the conspiracy. The computers will become self aware soon and tether our brains to the Matrix… Oh, shiny. Care to follow me on Pintrest?