I’ve uncovered an insidious conspiracy, one strategic push threatening to bring the walls of our civilization crumbling down around us.

image by Chris Beckett via flickr creative commons

This menace is so vile and inhumane that the Geneva Conventions considers their activities war crimes.  This terror cell uses deception and coercive techniques, including:

• Torture
• Forcing victims to swear allegiance to a false doctrine
• Genital mutilation
• Held in uncomfortable positions for hours

Is this ISIS, or Al-Qaeda?  The Weather Underground, or diabetic causing, cookie wielding Girl Scouts?  Worse than all of these evil societies blended together – the new threat against our homeland is – Assemble It Yourself Furniture.

This particular terror cell operates out of large furniture store chains and are known by many names.  So advanced in terror targeting techniques, this cell doesn’t find you, you go to them.  With money.

image from 401k 2012 via flickr creative commons

Wifey decided to spruce up our Master Bedroom decor.  Simple enough and overdue.   We haven’t had a bedroom makeover since the Great Circus Tent Wallpaper Disaster of ’94.  (That is another story for another time)  She does her homework, finds a nice looking upholstered bed frame and headboard and places the order.

Here.  This is the point that the Office of Homeland Security and the NSA have let us down.  There are signs people!  Signs that we have fallen prey to a sinister terror cell’s plan.

RED FLAG!

1. Special Order.  The fabric isn’t in stock, so a special order is needed.
2. Six Weeks for Delivery.  This is a delaying tactic which gives the terror network 6 weeks, that’s 42 days, (see how I used math there) to mess with your order before you get it.  And they will use every minute of that time.
3. What’s So Difficult About a Bed Frame?  Hear that?  That’s the sound of the terrorists laughing at you.  You expect to pick up a headboard and a frame, right?  In the six weeks they have had your order, they have found a dark magic process to encase the damn thing in cardboard, and put it in two small, thin boxes.
4. The Packaging Suggests The Box Contains Radioactive Waste From Fukushima.  These bastards deforested acres of virgin timberland for the cardboard used in this terror plot and  the seventeen miles of plastic shrink-wrap cannot conceal the real inner darkness of their souls.
5. Why Are There More Pieces Than A Space Shuttle?  I have three bags of bolts, washers and nuts, seven steel frame pieces, three upholstered pieces, two headboard rails and a headboard.  WTF?  This is only a bed frame, remember?

image from gilhooy studio via flickr creative commons

If I wanted an erector set, I would have ordered one.  This is where the terror cell’s brutality begins.

One of the bags of bolts is as big as a grapefruit and all you have to assemble them is a little metal key and a toy wrench.

We begin after consulting the instruction manual manifesto –

There is not one label to be found.  Not one reference to aligning Slot A into Tab B – nothing.  After spinning the first dozen bolts you start a gentle abrasion of your fingertips, until you have fully exposed the raw nerve sheath.  Each turn of the nut and bolt brings pain, yet you are comforted in the knowledge that you will no longer have recognizable fingerprints on file when you hunt down those responsible for these crimes against humanity.

Using the pretend tools provided by the terror cell, you must apply torque to tighten the connections to prevent the frame’s collapse.  You bear down on the toy wrench and it bends, slipping off the bolt, jamming the metal shard into the tender area of your man-parts.  When the tears clear, you notice these sadistic bastards planned for this because they gave you two of the genital mutilation wrenches.

Time loses meaning after your knees go numb.  The damn bed frame is together.  It doesn’t matter that I can’t help myself off the floor to fall into it’s sweet embrace.  It is done.  I have no feeling in my fingertips and I have two thumbs that are no longer fully opposable.  I’m not going to mention the near neutering.

Whoever is behind this bed frame design, manufacture and packaging is In League With The Devil.  Thousands of these terror devices are finding their way into the homes of innocents.  The terrorists have won this round, making us temporarily immobile and unable to hold anything more than an ice pack.  The doors are wide open for these Godless trolls are we turned the key for them.

Fight back against this insidious domestic terror plot.  We don’t need  drone strikes, or a Kickstarter account.  Just bite the bullet and pay for assembly.

Have you encountered this form of domestic terror on your home soil?