Since I’m the “Not Independently Wealthy” kind of guy, I’m always looking for
get rich quick schemes sound investment strategies. Halloween, as it turns out is a vastly ignored windfall of untapped economic opportunity.
You won’t find a free seminar, or an an e-mail from Ethiopian Prince on this little venture. It doesn’t require a chain letter, or a Bernie Madoff style pyramid scheme. It does however, demand a certain level of sacrifice and suffering on your part to enjoy the long term gain of this endeavor. I’m gonna let you in on the secret…lean in. Closer, closer…
Two words…Halloween candy.
Yep, that’s right, the key to your investment nest egg is hidden in plain sight. Those mega-sized bags of sugary, chocolate, nutty goodness are the key. Yes, the little mini candy bars, gobstoppers and skittles are the answer to all your retirement fears. There are two ways in which to invest in your future.
- Corner the market. This investment strategy requires borrowing a friend’s truck and going to the nearest Price Club, Sam’s Club, Tesco, or bulk retailer and buying out all of their Halloween candy inventory. You now have market leverage in your area. The laws of supply and demand will send all the desperate candy buyers to you for resale at triple the price. Your neighbors have to buy the candy from you, or be forever labeled as that house, the one giving out pencils, religious pamphlets, or freezer burnt pizza rolls.
- Invest in the future. This option was my direction this year and I will walk you through the steps so, you too, can invest in your future. Buy your usual half dozen mega-sized bags of Halloween candy. Get the good stuff, don’t be a cheap bastard. A couple of weeks before Halloween, you must secretly rip open one of the bags, as a quality control measure to ensure product freshness. Take one piece, perhaps that Almond Joy you’ve been eyeing through the bag and pop it in your mouth, savoring the fresh chocolatey sticky goodness.
Here is where the magic happens. The candy pops off an old dental crown. The very next day, the dentist explains that the old crown on your wisdom tooth is cracked and must be replaced. Because you have planned for this eventuality with adjoining dental work, the new crown should be manufactured from a soft, valuable metal — gold.
Gold, people. Gold. No, I’m not gonna look like a smoked out rapper with a shiny new grill. This gold crown will be hidden on a wisdom tooth, waaaaay in the back, like a little dental safe deposit box. Gold futures. The price of gold has skyrocketed in the past decade, so imagine what it will be in, say, another twenty-five years, when I’ll need to pull it and pay for a nursing home stay.
Should a zombie apocalypse, economic collapse, or any one of the dystopian futures predicted by the doomsday prepper community occur, I will be prepared with a tradable commodity in an easy to carry format.
So, Halloweeners, hand out your candy to the
snot stained greedy mob sweet children this year, with a novacained throb in your jaw, knowing that your financial future is secure.