The Spam Game – What does your spam say about you?

I’m overwhelmed with spam. These unsolicited messages are a waste product of all of our new fangled technology and electronic lifestyle. Spam defies a concise definition. It’s like porn — you know it when you see it.

If I were a sensitive little buttercup and overthought the subject line of each spam e-mail in my in-box, I would become a paranoid, agoraphobic basket case. (Okay, more than I already am, thank you.) The unsolicited e-mails and “sponsored” posts on Facebook start to paint a picture and it ain’t flattering.

image by ari herzog via flick creative commons

image by ari herzog via flick creative commons

The dark algorithmic forces swirling behind Zuckerberg’s palace gates are indecipherable. It’s all alchemy fed by acres of data snooping server farms, but what does it say about us? Our data profile is out there.

JCwriting motivator

JCwriting motivator

From my view, tucked under a blanket in a quiet dark corner, a troop of failed FBI profilers have sorted through all my data and search history and compiled what they think I need in my life.  The top 6 taken from my spam folder this week say:

  • Dr. Oz tells me I’m morbidly obese and I must purchase a six month supply of the newest dietary supplement on the market.
  • Apparently, the data gnomes believe I suffer from erectile disfunction. Probably because of Dr. Oz calling me morbidly obese.
  • I have a GroupOn discount for antidepressants, for you know–depression, caused by erectile dysfunction, because of Dr. Oz calling me morbidly obese.
  • There is a sale on cheap wine at BevMo, which will mix well with the antidepressants for the depression caused by erected dysfunction, because of Dr. Oz calling me morbidly obese.
  • I need a spa getaway package in Reno, to massage out the hangover from the cheap wine that mixes with the antidepressants, for the erectile dysfunction, caused by Dr. Oz calling me morbidly obese.
  • While not a Nigerian Prince, I did receive an invitation to a financial planning seminar. I can use the get rich quick skills learned at the seminar to pay for the spa getaway, to take care of the hangover from the cheap wine that mixes well with the antidepressants, for the erectile dysfunction, caused by Dr. Oz calling me morbidly obese.

It all starts with that damn Dr. Oz.

image by nybr7 via flickr creative commons

Oh, that’s not creepy at all.                                 image by nybr7 via flickr creative commons.

In truth, a bulk of the spam I receive is a plea to buy this book, or that novel, or a new electronic doodad. But the Dr. Oz e-mails in the in-box make you sit back and take a moment to reflect, “How the hell did that get there?”

image by kevin trotman via flickr creative commons

image by kevin trotman via flickr creative commons

Want to play? What do your spam e-mails say about you?

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10 comments

  1. My spam also says that I have erectile dysfunction. Interesting, since I’m a woman. I also must have sobriety issues and be in need of a cosmetic dentist. Among other things.

    1. Welcome to the E.D. group. I’ll share my meds with you.

  2. Since I blocked Dr. Oz, my spam consists of offers tempting me to leave the country.

    1. I really need to block the ol Dr. O. But, a trip to a nice exotic beach sounds nice right now.

  3. Lol! My spam says that I want to build a stable for my imaginary horses and that I can’t possibly buy enough pet waste bags for my imaginary dogs.

    1. I would venture to guess that the imaginary doggies are much easier to clean up after. As for the stable, if you build it they will come…

  4. stephanie710 · · Reply

    Lol…I loved this. I was just talking with a friend the other day about the ads that mysteriously show up on Facebook. The second you walk out of a store, you have a link to click for a discount. Scary, actually. E-mail spam has gotten out of control, and I could go on and on about my life-saving offers but first, I must go order my Thai bride…:) Great stuff, my friend.

    1. I guess it shows how much information they store on us in the cloud…it is kind of creepy. And my brother did actually pick up a Thai bride…but that’s another story.

  5. Dr. Oz calls me morbidly obese too! Perhaps he should take his own diet pills, drink cheap wine, mixed with antidepressants and Dr. Phil can call HIM morbidly obese. This post had me LOL’ing, Jim. Thanks for the laugh. Maybe I burnt a few calories. 🙂

    1. Damn Dr. Oz! It’s cyber bullying, that’s what it is.

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