I’m a firm believer in Karma.

Not Karma
image by mike from flickr creative commons

No, not the old Volkswagen. I’m talking about that great universal force behind “What goes around – comes around.” The, “You’ll get what you deserve,” cosmic power kind of thing. It took me years to accept there was real Karma out there in the universe. You see too many examples of what I call, “Seagull People” swooping in, making a ton of noise, pooping on everyone and then they get to fly off into the sunset. Even more aggravating is the people who didn’t get pooped on salute the bird and proclaim the seagull a magnificent, noble creature.

That’s enough to make your blood boil. So, where is this Karmic Justice when you need it? That seems to be the problem with Karma, in spite of John Lennon’s proclamation, Instant Karma isn’t going to get you. There isn’t an instant and direct correlation to the “offense” and the “punishment.” If there were, flocks of Seagull People would suffer a lighting strike to their collective tail feathers and burst into flames. Ah….what a sight.

But, as we are painfully aware, that’s not what happens to Seagull People.  They continue to circle, find unwitting targets and repeat the cycle, uninterrupted. So, I thought…

There are counter forces out there, sort of a Karma Police, if you will. That much negative ju-ju has to get noticed, right? I don’t know what methodology the Karma Police use to label and track their top ten most wanted list. Suffice it to say that with everything going on in the world, the Karma Police are undermanned. So, when they get to the Seagull that pooped on you, it’s difficult to make a connection.

The methods used to balance the Karmic balance sheet can be anything from a broken tooth, a error on a balance sheet that causes an IRS audit, or a sudden onset of lactose intolerance. You, the victim of the Seagull, may not hear about the vengeance exacted on your behalf, for years down the road.

The punishment might seem severe when you hear about it. A twinge of guilt may flow through you for unconsciously wishing for the pin in the voodoo doll to take hold. The Karma Police see the whole picture, just like Santa…they know when you’ve been naughty.  If the Seagull pooped on you, they pooped on others – repeatedly. It’s not all about you.

In the last year or so, I’ve learned that the Karma Police visited on some former pains in my ass.

• A Prison Gang leader who put me on a hit list – dead
• A conspirator in giving false testimony – dead
• A second conspirator – divorced, out of a job and on probation

But, these were shitty not nice extraordinarily bad Seagulls. The typical Karma Police action seems includes: baldness, uncontrolled weight gain, gout, stolen car, dead front lawn, a child who listens to One Direction on an endless loop, running out of gas, no cell phone signal, the store is out of your favorite brand of beer, postage due, or extra calls from door-to-door meat salesmen.

A Karma Police Citation
image by feral indeed! via flickr creative commons

It will happen. Just make sure it’s not you the Karma Police are after.  When you get a twinge of back pain, just make sure it isn’t the Karma Police coming back to you. Don’t be an ass.