Felony Stupid – The Booze Cruise

It’s been a while since we presented a felony stupid criminal story and when this one came my way, I knew I had to share it with you.

This story features Linda, a thirty-something woman with a bit of an alcohol problem. Linda is not her real name, but I doubt that she could remember this incident anyway, because it happened during a celebratory drinking binge.

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After serving a couple of days in jail on a drunk driving conviction, Linda took the Judge’s warnings to heart. As conditions of her probation, she was to refrain from alcohol, not frequent establishments where alcohol is served and not drive a motor vehicle. All very standard restrictions for someone granted probation for an alcohol related offense.

Linda started with good intentions. Her husband picked her up from jail and together, they both went straight home. Since they were home, what was the harm in celebrating Linda’s newfound freedom with a little drink.

Well, one drink led to four more and when Hubby suggested they take their party to the local watering hole, Linda wasn’t able to refuse. But then, there was that nagging little problem with the Judge and his rules. What to do? What to do?

Linda knew that she couldn’t risk being seen on the way to the bar. The Judge made that all too clear, the insufferable prick. It wasn’t fair and she deserved to let loose a little. She wasn’t going to drive and wasn’t that the whole point of her being on probation in the first place?

So, Linda and Hubby put their booze-soaked brains together and devised a plan. Linda couldn’t drive – check. Linda couldn’t go inside their favorite bar – check. Linda couldn’t been seen going to the place – check.

So, when all the liquor dried up at home, the duo set out on the five mile drive to the local bar. Hubby drove and Linda hid in the trunk, where no one could see her.

Hubby went in as planned and ordered a few rounds. Then a few more. He was supposed to sneak out to the car and slip a few in the trunk to his thirsty wife. By the time he made it back to the car, Hubby was not in a state conducive to remembering anything.

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In fact, the next thing he knew, Hubby found himself pulled over by the Sheriff’s Department for erratic driving a mile from home. He failed the roadside sobriety test and was taken into custody on suspicion of drunk driving. A breathalyzer, medical clearance and booking into county jail took two hours. When the booking deputy asked for an emergency contact, a dim light bulb went on.

Deputies found Linda where her husband left her, in the trunk of their car. Passed out from her booze cruise, the deputies had some difficulty rousing her before she joined Hubby in jail.

Probation violation and divorce proceedings are pending.

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4 comments

  1. A well recounted tale, James. It certainly made me smile! Ooh, I wouldn’t have liked to have been the hubby once she had sobered up!

    1. Thank you David! I think hubby was happy to be in jail when the little woman woke up.

  2. Marina Cross · · Reply

    I am chuckling and looking forward to my husband reading this little tale, Jim. My oh my, what were they to do? Hahahaha!

    1. If your husband reads the story and suddenly suggests going on a picnic, make sure he doesn’t plan on having you “wait” in the trunk to keep you safe from bears. Just saying…

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