I find certain things irksome. Not mildly irritating people, or frustrating bureaucratic logic, but that burn under your skin kind of torment. I find myself less tolerant of bigoted buffoons and ignorance these days and I have compiled my top seven list of the things that irk me, based on the degree of irksomeness.
7. Politicians and their minions. I don’t care what political party affiliation you follow, keep it to yourself and don’t act like a religious zealot trying to convert me to your belief system. You drank that particular brand of cool-aid and good for you for making a choice, but it might not be everyone’s drug of choice.
6. Militant Vegans. What you choose to put in your body, and what you don’t, is your business. The key is that it’s your business. If living out your own little Survivor fantasy by existing on tofu and lawn clippings, makes you warm and fuzzy, then knock yourself out. You claim it’s good for you and it’s humanitarian. Fine, keep it to yourself. I don’t want to hear about how self-righteous you feel and how the sun shines brighter on your side of the farmers market. Personally, I don’t care that last night’s dinner had a face.
5. Race Baiters. It gets under my hackles when some semi-celebrity comes out and starts a march, or protest, or burns something in the name of racial equality after an assault, or murder, that the media transforms into the hate crime of the week. People, listen up – all murders are hate crimes. It doesn’t matter that you look different, believe in a different religion, or prefer to eat dessert before dinner. You’re not special. If someone is killing someone else, – it is a hate crime – period.
4. Door-to-Door Sales. Typically, I don’t get caught up in the conspiracy theories involving sinister dark forces out to get us common folk. This is different. The Door-to-Door Salespeople are involved in a true conspiracy. Think about it for a moment. Girl Scout cookies, Cub Scout carmel corn, the local high school sports team hustling candy bars and some guy selling frozen meat, of dubious origin, out of the back of his pickup truck. The conspiracy is a plot to give us Type II Diabetis, or e-coli, making us dependent upon the drug manufacturing industry for a lifetime of insulin, anti-virals and anti-biotics. Thin Mints and Samoas are of the Devil. We are on to your evil ways.
3. Being a Celebrity for Being a Celebrity. OK, maybe I’m out of touch or I’m turning into a crotchety old geezer, but when the Hell did this happen? People who do nothing, produce nothing and pimp themselves out on a “reality” television show are somehow now given social status. Huh? Who cares if Kim Kardashian Photoshopped her ass? Why should we listen to Honey Boo-Boo’s mom give us parenting advice? There are plenty of real role models out there, military veterans, hard working single moms and first responders.
2. Feral Children. I’m not advocating for the helicopter parent, you know the type, the one who hovers over every detail of their offspring’s daily activities. But for God’s sake, keep your kids at your table when you go out to eat. It is not cute or adorable when your snot-nosed spawn snatches a french fry off my plate and you don’t notice because you’re too busy texting your BFF while in a Xanax haze.
1. Mean-Spirited People. I don’t know what it is, a virus, scrambled genetic material, or prolonged exposure to toxic chemicals, but there must be an elemental shift that makes some people just plain mean. They seem to get off on causing disruption around them, pressing the vulnerability button of others, and take joy in proving themselves morally superior (in their view) at the expense of others. These unhappy people never grew past the stage in life where they held a magnifying glass above a trail of ants. The career path for these people include the professional whistle-blower, NHL defenseman, acidic media critics and “reality” television celebs.
That’s the top seven on my most irksome list for today. Maybe I need more coffee to make the world make a little more sense. There–thanks for letting me rant a bit, I feel better. Have something that makes you especially peeved? Sharing is caring…
Love this…SO spot on and funny. “Personally, I don’t care that last night’s dinner had a face.” That is classic…you killed it with this one. Great job. 😀
Thanks Stephanie! This one was fun to write. I changed the names to protect the less than innocent.
With you big time on #2. I just had to read one of your lines to my husband (“It is not cute or adorable when your snot-nosed spawn snatches a french fry off my plate and you don’t notice because you’re too busy texting your BFF while in a Xanax haze.”). Oh how we laughed! (for us we were the lucky recipients of the ol’ chew and show). Loved this post, James!
Thanks Diane…I’m thinking about replacing the neighborhood’s Beware of Dog signs with Beware of Feral Children signs. Trespassers would be much more afraid of the unpredictable nature of the two legged ankle biters.
Busted out laughing several times! Absolute perfection!
Too funny! I agree with you on all of the above.
Thanks Jan! Some days I’m more irkable than others…
Number 1!!! Also I’d like to add freak cats as a subcategory to number 2.
Make that FERAL cats, not freak cats. And add autocorrect to your list.