What Color Is It?

Recently, social media went on meltdown status over the color of a dress. A Tumblr photo set off a barrage of comments over the viewer’s perception of the color. Was it white and gold, or black and blue?

(It was white and gold – and hideous)

Perception. This little haute couture sideshow made me think about perception and how much goes on without us actually “seeing” the real nature of things. What would be handy is the ability to perceive others around us for the true Asshats they are. More importantly, as all Asshats are not created equal, we are in need of a classification system to correctly identify the degree of Asshat-ish behavior anticipated from the Asshat before we engage.

The Asshat
image by dot polka from flickr creative commons

As in the case of the dress, I propose a system of colors to signify the probable behavior and outcome of an interaction between you and the Asshat. The brighter your color, the bigger your Asshat. And let’s be honest, shall we. At one time or another, we’ve all donned an Asshat of some color. Let’s see where your Asshat fits:

• Coffee Colored:  The entry level Asshat exhibits anti-social behavior in the morning hours before they have consumed sufficient levels of caffeine to carry out a civil conversation with another human being. They have coffee mugs that warn against contact until after their first cup and are physically incapable of stringing together three words without drooling, or breaking out into a Tourette’s fueled rant.

I wear this hat every morning and pull it’s fuzzy little Asshat earflaps down to shut the world out until my first cup.

• Bronze: Asshats of this rank are irritants. They engage in behavior that irks me. These are the garbage truck drivers plowing through the neighborhood at four in the morning, who figure, if they’re awake, you should be too. Bronze Asshats are prone to wear backpack leaf blowers to make sure all their lawn clippings end up in your yard. The guy with the Christmas lights up in July — yeah, he wears a Bronze Asshat.

• Silver: It takes years of practice to earn this level of Asshat. You are the one who sends your kids to dig through my recycling bin for something to cash in for your dwindling beer fund. People see the Silver Asshat coming and cringe at the anticipated retelling of the high school catch of the game. Other Silver traits include taking up two parking spaces with your 1986 Fiero. You are the Kayne West of Asshats.

• Gold:  The advanced Asshat traits that earn a Golden Asshat are pretending you didn’t see your dog poop on my lawn, using a handicapped parking space because, “you’ll just be a minute,” using the words “excuse me,” when you really mean “get the hell out of my way,” and walking around with a Bluetooth device jammed in your ear like your waiting for a transmission from the Matrix, or a nuclear launch command — because you are that important. Hipsters wore Gold Asshats before it was cool.

• Platinum: In the rarified air of Asshatery, a few rise to the top through their devotion to selfishness, deceit, betrayal and leave a trail of broken promises. Politicians and terrorists who pontificate their world views to the rest of us earn their Platinum Asshat. Persistent telemarketers deserve this ranking. The individual who conceived of the novel synopsis wears a Platinum Asshat as does the driver who merges onto the freeway at 30 miles an hour.

Once you have attained the highest ranking, you may be awarded a Royal Douche Nozzle Cluster for continuing behavior unbecoming to humanity and overall mean-spirited conduct. You know who you are…

What color is your Asshat? And get off my lawn…