We got this all wrong…

I’m sitting at my keyboard and revising (as I’m supposed to do) and something shiny crosses the monitor and pulls my attention away like a moth to a flame. A news wire reports that over 200,000 people have applied to travel seven months through space and live on Mars. The Mars One Project.

Mars Colony as imagined by the Mars One Project.          mars-one.com

Like most kids, I remember wanting to be an astronaut, visit far off planets and plant a flag on some dusty asteroid in a desolate corner of the galaxy. But. Then. I. Grew. Up.

Once 2001, came and went and there were no deep space missions with hibernating crew members (not to mention the inconvenient disposing of said crew members by a maniacal H.A.L. computer) the dream evaporated.

That fictional mission had something in common with the very real Mars One Project. If you are selected to go to Mars — you ain’t coming back.  Let me make sure you understand this…

(pause for dramatic effect)

You’re not coming home, ever. There are no plans, or means of a return voyage. Gone, bye, farewell forever.

image from nicolemarinca.com

We have missed an opportunity here…

Of the 200,000 people who applied for this one way trip, many seem like really decent people. They are smart, get along well with others, share their toys and have something to contribute to mankind. These are the people we should want to keep Earthbound.

Remember the key point here is, those who go will never see another sunrise on this planet. They will be taken from us. So, we need to use this opportunity to it’s full potential. The Mars One Project, should be slightly refocused to rid the planet of those irksome individuals that make life on Earth unpleasant for the rest of us.

I’m not suggesting social engineering, Eugenics, or profiling here. I mean that guy who drives though the neighborhood at 2 a.m. with the bass thumping in his beater Hyundai loud enough to rattle my windows. I’m suggesting he go play his loud ass hippity-hop music on Mars. I would like to submit an application to Mars One on his behalf explaining his interest in the scientific examination of amplified sound waves in the vacuum of space.

image from dusk an vakuska via flickr creative commons

You know that lazy dude on the corner who never mows his lawn? The one who is always too busy hosting beer pong tournaments in his driveway? I want to help him out and submit an application for him so that he will never, ever, have to mow a lawn again. And beer pong in space could be fun. I’ll even send his cinderblock supported car along with him, for a touch of home.

image from charity h via flickr creative commons

Wouldn’t reality television take on a new flavor when the contestants on The Bachelor, or, The Bachelorette, are found to be so shallow that they not only don’t get a rose, they get a one way ticket to Mars as a parting gift? Thank you for playing.

Chronic left turn signal leaver-oner? Not a problem on Mars.

Prison overcrowding? Solved.

Worried about child molesters living in your neighborhood? Not anymore.

I’m going to begin filling out applications, even though the official cutoff has passed. Once the Mars One Project realizes the full potential of never coming back to Earth, they may rethink their approach.

Here’s an application for you…

Nominate someone.

image from gopher 76 via flickr creative commons

To infinity and beyond…