Death and Taxes

I started writing a post about timing and fate, but the damn thing got way too heavy and dark.  Now I like dark, but mysterious life forces pushing you around to the beat of some demented drummer is another thing.

So, I opted for something lighter and in recognition of the season, here is something Tax Themed.

Death and Taxes, right?

I have no problem paying my way in our society. But for the love of every unholy paper cut, why do the taxers make it so miserable? Even the terms used make it obvious that some green eyeshaded bureaucrat is getting his jollies on our pain.

Tax Code:  The sacred scrolls containing the rules sent from on high to squeeze blood from a stone. Egyptian hieroglyphics were easier to decipher than the maze of regulations in the tax code.

easy to follow guidelines image by elsabeth skene via flickr creative commons

easy to follow guidelines
image by elsabeth skene via flickr creative commons

Tax Return:  The word “return” sounds nice doesn’t it? You’re simply returning something, like that ugly sweater your dementia addled Aunt Mabel gave you at Christmas. It’s five sizes too small and bedazzled with someone else’s name. Same here, you are returning all your money because it wasn’t meant for you, and you better have receipts.

And the fun begins image by 401k via flickr creative commons

And the fun begins
image by 401k via flickr creative commons

Net Income:  Net is the appropriate term here because you’ll only have the income you can catch with your little butterfly net with holes in the mesh the size of eighty-year old man’s prostate.

catch me if you can image by demetri morutis via flickr creative commons

catch me if you can
image by demetri morutis via flickr creative commons

Gift Tax:  Awww, here’s a gift. Not so fast.

Extension:  A more gentle way of saying a stay of execution. You will be allowed to hold your few remaining earthly possessions for a few more months.

it's only a matter of time

it’s only a matter of time

Tax Bracket:  Brackets are made to hold things. In this case the bracket is holding the pot, you know the one you don’t even have to piss in anymore.

No pot to piss in Image by mlhradio via flickr creative commons

No pot to piss in
Image by mlhradio via flickr creative commons

Tax forms:  Forms, euphemistically referred to as EZ, should not bring back nightmarish flashbacks from high school algebra. When you have to enter the total on line 28, if more than 7% of line 25, when a westbound train is leaving Philadelphia at 60 miles per hour, the calculation is not EZ. That could be just me…

Last year I heard voices when I prepared my taxes.  This year the tax man need to cometh with a complimentary bottle of Scotch to wash away the pain.

Masking the Pain

Masking the Pain

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4 comments

  1. Unlike the Egyptian hieroglyphics, the tax code is impossible to decipher! Best of luck with those green eyeshaded bureaucrats!

    1. Thanks Jan, I’m glad they don’t have debtor’s prisons these days.

  2. stephanie710 · · Reply

    I waited until Friday to do my taxes. My accountant hates me but I do it every year. I drop a box of random papers/receipts at their office and run. I fully expect that one of these years, I’ll show up and they will lock the doors and windows. Taxes = math/numbers…does not compute. Great post, as always. 🙂

    1. Every year after I file my taxes, I wait for the little black helicopter to swoop in and deposit a cadre of IRS Agents at my door step. It’s not that the deductions aren’t true – it’s the fear that I’ve added 5 + 5 and come up with 27, or some odd assed thing like that. Thanks Stephanie!

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